Tag Archives: joke

Selling Photos to Photographers

Customer: That’s a lovely picture.
Salesman: This sir, is the latest masterpiece captured by a Canon 5D3 and 24-70/2.8 lens.
Customer: Ok …

Salesman: And this one over here is exactly the same scene captured by a Nikon D800 and 24-70/2.8 lens.
Customer: Hmmmm….

Salesman: And this one is yet another shot of the same scene but this time captured with an Olympus OM-D with 12-50 kit lens.
Customer: But they all look the same!

Salesman: Aha! I can see that you are not a photographer. We have made one perfectly for you. This, sir, is exactly the same scene but we stripped the EXIF data before printing.

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How NOT to Look Like a Terrorist

There had been several incidents where an innocent photographer is confronted by police for taking photos in public places. The police are just doing what they are told to do: stop any potential terrorist activities.

So to avoid becoming the next suspect follow these very simple rules:

1. Never use a tripod. That’s a dead give away. Terrorists use tripods to mame law enforcers.

2. Never use a DSLR in public places. If you are a poser or a gear whore and could not help bringing your D3X and 70-200/2.8 lens during a simple holiday trip, make sure that …

3…. you never use the viewfinder. Hold your camera with outstretched arms and compose your shot using the LCD like any ordinary terrorist, I mean, tourist. I know it’s difficult to do it with gigantic lenses but *your* image is everything.

4. Like any other list of rules, the last one always tells you to break them, so break the rules but don’t blame me. So there!

Stop Shooting Flowers

Ok, this post would probably hit some sensitive nerves but whatever. Anyway, I’m just voicing out my opinion based on observation and experience so it’s up to you whether to take it seriously or not.

If you want to develop real photography skills, stop shooting flowers.

That’s not say that flower shots are bad. In fact some of them are really good. Actually, it is very easy to get good flower shots. Anyone can do it that is why they are usually the shots n00bs make during their formative years.

Set your camera to auto mode and get as close to the flower as what your lens allows and trip the shutter. That’s all it takes to photograph a flower. No need for composition really. A flower dead center in the frame will still look nice. All you need to worry about is getting the focus right. Easy.

So if you really want to learn photography, stop shooting flowers. Your shots will suck but that will force you to learn how to improve them.

Let me suggest a starting point:

Do still life photography in the comfort of your house. Use natural light. Positioning your subject next to a large window will give you that nice soft light. You can use white paper as reflectors. In short, you will learn how light interacts with your subject and proper exposure. Don’t just shoot a solitary object. Use multiple objects and arrange them so you will learn the basics of composition. Use different focal lengths. To get a noise-free shot, you probably would need to use a tripod so you can shoot at low ISO and avoid blur caused by camera shake. Later on you can incorporate the use of strobes or flash.

This still life study will prepare you for landscape photography. Why am I not suggesting landscape as a starting point? Because you do not have control of the light. To have a better chance of getting good light means being on location at least 30 minutes before and after sunrise or sunset. Any other time means ugly cold light. Being in the right location at the right time does not guarantee good light though so it is still a hit or miss situation. If you are persistent, mother nature might reward your efforts. Such is the joy of landscape photography.

You may want to do portraiture next. Portraiture has different challenges although it is very similar to still life photography. The biggest hurdle is that your subject can now complain. Everyone wants to look good on camera even if it they have a face that only their mother can love. It means you will need to master the art of photo retouching. You will have to pixel peep like never before. Your friends may ask you to shoot their special events once you start getting the hang of it. Now that is a challenge.

Another area of photography that you may want to try is wildlife. Here you have a subject interacting with its natural environment. Avoid cliche shots of birds because that will bring you back to the same level as flower shots…only difference is that you now require a lens that’s ten times more heavy and more expensive.

Do macro photography when you get bored. It’s no different to flower shots. Just more tedious. The results can be jaw-dropping amazing though. I enjoy looking at macro shots but I’m not really that interested in doing them.

Street photography and photojournalism can quickly become craptography if you do not have the compositional skills. It requires a lot of skill but more importantly, an even greater amount of luck. Things must happen in front of you and you have to be there to capture it. Depending on where you are, extraordinary events may not happen at all. You are better off taking photos of your drunk friends. Now that I have mentioned drunk, street photography is also dangerous in the wrong locations. Be ready to deal with people who are paranoid. Persistence will pay off. The world’s most memorable photos are, afterall, products of photojournalism.

Avoid sports photography when you are just starting. It encourages bad habits. It’s slightly more rewarding than street photography because you can almost guarantee that there is some action happening where you are. If there is a brawl then you get to do photojournalism as well. There is minimal thinking involved in sports photography. It’s more of a hand-eye coordination thing like playing video games. Reaction time is very important. It also relies on how long your lenses are and how fast your camera can flip the shutter curtain. Of course, you would need to anticipate the action but sports photographers just fire a salvo of shots hoping that something magical happens. Highway patrols do the same with their radar guns. I am not making fun of them. I’m just telling the truth. The fact that sports photographers can manage to capture incredible shots is a testament to their persistence. They know that their keeper rate is lower than Joe Blow’s grade in college calculus but they still do it anyway. And that’s dedication. Sports photography is not for everyone especially if you can’t afford the five-figure equipment.

Again, if you want to improve your photography, stop shooting flowers.

Evolution of an Amateur Photographer

Stages in the Evolution of an Amateur Photographer:

1. The Point-and-Shoot stage:
Buys a point-and-shoot camera on impulse for a holiday trip so he can take snaps to post on facebook. Gets tricked by the sales guy into buying the obsolete camera sitting in the corner because it’s got lots of megapixels. Tags his officemates in every photo to show how much fun he is having while they had to cover the half-finished project he left behind.

2. The Point-and-Shoot Upgrade stage:
Decides that 10Mp is not big enough and tricks his clueless brother to buy his point-and-shoot camera so he could upgrade to a whooping 12Mp … well… point-and-shoot camera. Forced to buy a new storage card because that previous camera only accepted XD card.

3. The Megazoom stage:
Suddenly, 5x zoom is too short for anything so he goes out to buy a 24x zoom. Learns how to RTFM and thinks he got a bargain because the effing manual mentioned a 100x (digital) zoom. Of course this new camera has a lot more megapixels…14Mp this time. His girlfriend quickly learns how to inhale very deeply every time he takes a photo of her at full wide angle or else the terrible lens distortion will make her look like a rhino.

4. Rule of Thirds stage:
Learns about basics of composition. His subjects are now positioned quite nicely where those stupid lines meet. Thinks that any photograph that’s got the subject or the horizon at the center of the frame are horrible amateurish shots. Makes fun of Gursky’s photo that sold for more than $4 million USD. His camera fires the flash every time he takes a photo of that iconic bridge at night.

5. The DSLR (aka fourth upgrade) stage:
Gets amazed at how some photos seem to have their subjects pop-out of the frame. Learns from his friend that he needs a DSLR for that. Tricks his clueless brother for the second time in buying his P&S camera so he can buy a DSLR. Learns the meaning of P&S and DSLR and completely ignores the compact interchangable lens cameras because they are not DSLRs. Lurks in photography forums and asks for advise which one is THE BEST DSLR. Gets a dozen different answers so he decides to head for the shop anyway and gets tricked by the same sales guy into buying the obsolete model sitting on the corner. Goes home smiling ear-to-ear with a twin lens kit.

6. DSLR Frustration stage:
The mode dial is still set to the green square like the day it was bought. Shoots his DSLR with outstretched arms looking at the 3″ LCD screen as if he is holding a baby’s soiled diaper. Wonders why he’s not getting those photos that pop out of the frame. Occassionally gets his subjects to pop out when the camera struggles to shoot and opens up the aperture in low light conditions but the photos are blurry. That darn flash still pops up every time he takes a photo of that iconic bridge at night.

7. Bokeh Honeymoon stage:
Finally managed to Google about aperture and shallow depth of field. All his shots now have that 3D effect. Photos of his girlfriend now have only her nose in focus but he doesn’t care. Shallow DoF FTW!!! Sorry, I meant Bokeh FTW!!!

8. Fast Lens Envy stage:
His twin lens kit that goes from f4-5.6 are no longer enough. Anything less than the holy trinity isn’t good enough. If only he has those lenses then his photos would be a hundred times better. Experiences frequent wet dreams of his dream lenses.

9. The 50mm stage:
Getting the holy trinity is out of his league but he quickly finds out that the nifty-fifty is the cheapest way to get more bokeh. Every photographer has to have THE standard lens so he buys one … after spending countless hours in forums arguing whether he should get the 1.8 or 1.4. Ends up getting the 1.4 because it is way faster. Shoots wide open at f1.4 all the time and wonders why he could not get anything in focus. Not so frequent wet dreams of the 50/1.2.

10. HDR stage:
Almost crapped in his pants when he saw Trey’s HDR photos. This is the next evolution in photography!!! Downloads a pirated copy of Photomatix. Pushes all the sliders to 11. Halos and bleeding bluish shadows abound. Perfect!!! Posts his “photos” in every group in Flickr. His Flickr photostream is full of blinking comments and invites from other HDR fanatics.

11. Flickr Explore stage:
Discovers this magic thingy called Flickr Explore. Dedicates all his time into getting at least one of his photos into the top 500. Comments and likes every photo he sees. Uses Flickr Scout to keep track of his images in case they make it. Almost fell on the floor when the Scout showed all of his photos are in Explore and posts his excitement in the forums only to find out that everyone in that forum have all their photos in Explore because it is April 1st.

12. Full Frame stage:
High ISO, noise free, more shallow DoF…full frame is the most obvious next step into becoming a pro. Buys a full frame camera on impulse and wonders why all his shots have a weird black ring. Dumps all his crop sensor lenses except the nifty-fifty which happens to be his only usable lens. Evangelizes about the 50mm being THE best lens ever and opens his own group in Flickr dedicated to 50mm shots.

13. Full Manual Macho stage:
Real photographers shoot in full manual mode ONLY. Mode dial is now glued on M mode. Struggles at first in lining up the exposure slider. All his photos on Flickr are now proudly described and tagged with “exposure: manual”. Creates a new thread in forums asking everyone which mode they shoot in. Grows a hatred of anything by Ken Rockwell.

14. Sunny 16 stage:
Learns about correct exposure and sunny 16 rule. Still lines up the sliders in M mode but a lot quicker now. That thumb dial is almost worn out. Makes fun of others who shoot in full auto mode. Keeper shots have improved. Grows a hatred of anything unrealistic like those horrible HDRs.

15. Strobist stage:
Learns about this blog called strobist and buys several flashes and brollies and light stands. Does not have a clue about his flash’es GN and thus the complete reliance on TTL. Does some portraiture here and there and sometimes gets lucky enough to be hired as a backup wedding photographer…for free.

16. Holy Trinity stage:
By now he’s saved some money to acquire the ultimate photographer’s arsenal: the Holy Trinity of lenses. Lots of sleepless nights shooting test charts. Sharpness is everything. Advises the n00bs to buy the best lenses or else. Very adept at interpreting MTF charts. Posts comparison test images in forums. Keeper shots have improved in ratio because total shots have dropped considerably.

17. Leica Lust stage:
He is willing to sell his kidneys for an M9. Buys a Fuji instead to satisfy his lust for a rangefinder. Defends his Fuji from all the forum bashers. Sells his Fuji after discovering that his cellphone is so much quicker at taking photos. Lusts for the Fuji successor.

18. The Realization stage:
Very quick to judge others in forums with the immortal words: “It’s the photographer, not the camera”. Starts to hate his heavy equipment and decides to invest in compact interchangable lens cameras. Does a lot of Googling about the advantages of MILCs to justify his new purchase. More time spent in forums than actual shooting. Gets involved in conspiracy theories such as why only Canon shooters ever win in contests sponsored by Canon.

19. Boredom stage:
Gets bored and creates his own photography blog.